My oldest son has a new girlfriend, Scarlett. She owns "Gone With The Wind" and wants my son to watch it with her. I just informed him the movie is four hours long. He thinks I'm joking. Ha ha ha. I know my son and I know he isn't going to enjoy the movie. Funny what a guy will do for love.

I have noticed my mood has gotten better since my doc went up on the Effexor. I still have my real-life problems to contend with, but it helps me cope being less depressed.

Here I am writing the dreaded blog diary with the mundane details of my existence that no one really cares to read. It helps me to see where I've been and I don't have to worry about family members finding my diary lying around the house.

Today I am going to see the movie "Across The Universe." It has a Beatles soundtrack. My 15-year-old son wants to come see it with me because "it has Beatles music." I didn't know he liked The Beatles. He is grounded right now for being out and about without telling me where he was. It is nice to have him around so I can actually spend time with him. He is struggling with depression and I'm afraid he has inherited my genes. I have an appointment to raise his antidepressants next week.

I am waiting for my son to come "home." He has moved out and lives in a dorm now, but he stops by home every day before he goes to work. I think it is mostly to raid the refridgerator or drop his laundry off, but I like to believe it is because he misses his mother. I wish he would live with us forever. He has a fun personality and is such a good kid. I would never want to compromise his independence, though. Being his mother was and is sheer joy. I hope we remain close throughout our entire lives. I love my boys.

Religion is what is wrong with the world. So much time and energy is spent contemplating the hereafter instead of the here and now. I have seen how comforting faith can be, but for someone who has never had prayer answered I cannot believe in a God that defies logical thinking. What makes one religion's god real vs. another religion's god. There is so much of the bible that contradicts itself. No, I shall never be one who can swallow faith. I am comfortable with living and dying as it is as long as my life is a comfortable, middle-class based life. Nothing wrong with living each day, enjoying what you can, and then dying peacefully. An afterlife almost seems tedious and redundant. However, when this life becomes hard that is when it seems necessary to believe in prayer. To have some power save you. When life's circumstances are miserable for no discernible reason then believing in a god seems necessary.

I went on that job interview and told them I wasn't interested. During the interview they told me one of advocates had a gun pulled on her and I decided this was not the job for me. I've worked too hard to try and recover and that does not seem amenable to my continued recovery.

I do have a job interview next week at a local mental health center for the position of peer support worker. I would love this position and the ability to help other through a hardship by sharing my own experience and giving hope that recovery is possible. I am not psychotic and I am coping, but I still don't enjoy life. I survive it. I am not 100%. I am just afraid that this position is going to offer too few hours to make any kind of a financial impact to my home situation. I can work part-time and still be okay, but I'm afraid this position is going to be part-part-time like 20 hours a month and that won't do.

I have a job interview on Wednesday. Being unemployed has taken away any self esteem I had that was still intact. This is a job I really want and not just a paycheck. I was told the interview would last for two hours. That makes me nervous. The job is as an advocate for women who have experienced domestic violence or rape. I have no experience, but was called in for an interview. I did help my friend when she was making her documentary film for the Fear Project (www.fearproject.org). That film was chosen by Amnesty International to be part of a 2006 film festival for their violence against women night. So somewhere there is a still photo of me in this film documentary to educate people about rape and the lasting psychological effects. I have PTSD and am very well read on the subject. I know how it affects people and how long-lasting it is. I wrote about my own personal experience in response to the ad and now I have a grueling 2-hour interview.

It is hard to sell myself when I've lost all my confidence. Having a mental illness that robs my concentration and hinders my ability to work leaves the door wide open for self doubt to seep in. I'm drowning in it. I have tried multiple times to do my old work only to fail and then bills go unpaid and everything begins to unravel. I do have to admit to doing a good job at my last place of employment. Despite my inability to concentrate on fine, detailed work I was able to manage a community employment program just fine. I can do this. I have to believe in myself again. I want a meaningful job that brings a sense of purpose and satisfaction to my life. Medical transcription never did that. It was just a means to an ends. There was no joy or satisfaction in that type of work and I spent 15 years of my life doing it. I may some day look back and decide that my becoming ill was a good thing getting me out of a career that I have been unhappy in. I can make less money and still make ends meet. Less money is better than no money.

While I try to get my confidence back thinking of the past job I did managing community employment I still am terrified of my illness going south and blowing my career. It is like having a ticking bomb inside. I have to believe my medicine will prevent further psychotic episodes. My interview is in an office at the courthouse, and if I'm hired there is the added burden of going to appear in court for my manic episode which ended in my arrest and subsequent hospitalization and diagnosis of having a "severe" mental illness. How can I do that in the same building without jeaopardizing my character and confidence at a new job?

I do so miss the old income I used to make. I made enough that I could have easily supported my oldest son while he goes to college. He came home on Tuesday and broke down and cried as he is going to school full time and working full time and it was becoming a bit much for him. He then cried because one of his best friends is being shipped to Iraq. He said he feels isolated. Since he works every night until midnight he has not had the opportunity to connect with anyone at the school. In a couple of weeks he is getting his hours cut at work to part time so hopefully he won't feel so overwhelmed. He is the best kid ever and never was there a kid who wants to be in college as much as he does, but circumstances and many obstacles are in his way. I hope he makes it. He has a good heart and he deserves to be successful and happy. I love him so very much.